This is a mistake that plagues men all over the world, but there is in fact a concentrated amount of offenders living in Provo. In Provo, beards are basically outlawed. To have a scruffy chin is an abomination. To walk into the testing center with a 5 o'clock shadow would only result in being shamefully turned away with nothing but a disapproving shake of the head. When a guy shows up at church looking as though he has spent the last several days in the mountains, girls avert their eyes so they are not thought to be fraternizing with such a rebellious soul. But do you know what else causes girls to avert their eyes? The only BYU-approved form of facial hair: the mustache.
Why men choose to grow this prickly caterpillar above their upper lip is unknown. Some claim it is to pay homage to the great men throughout history who have had the mustache splashed across their lower face, historical figures such as Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, Charlie Chaplain, Teddy Roosevelt, Burt Reynolds, and Ron Burgundy. Others say it is simply a way of standing apart from the rest of the crowd and getting noticed. When someone says, the tall RM, the one with the mustache, everyone else says, "Oh yeah, that guy." (While this is true, remember the tone in which "Oh yeah, that guy," is said.) Another potential reason for sporting such offensive facial hair is that it provides a disguise. In the event of an emergency, one quick shave and the Clark Kent effect leaves a completely unrecognizable man. The last reason given for "the mustache" is simply because it is "manly," and it is allowed.
Just because it is allowed does not mean that it is okay. Growing a mustache will only increase your resemblance to Adolf Hitler, Uncle Rico, and Yosemite Sam. In recent months, it has been a common misconception among Provo Indie kidz that looking as though you have just time-traveled from the mustache-loving 1970's is the hip way to be. This unfortunate fallacy has left countless young men with a furry upper lip and a dateless friday night.
Do not be fooled by Brad Pitt. I know that he has a mustache right now. But there is a slight difference between Brad Pitt and the males populating Happy Valley. He's Brad Pitt; he is rich, famous, talented, and with one of the most (supposedly) beautiful women in the world. And even the small strip of hair above his lip has been criticized and ridiculed.
Men, avoid the mustache--SHAVE!