Why Mormon Guyz Stay Single

Because guyz make mistakes, too.


Mistake #3: Indie-vidualism by R.S.P.

Wait, don’t move. Before you say, “This is not me, no one is like me,” keep reading. If you still believe that you truly are indie-vidual, have a laugh at these conformists' expense. So hey, turn off your "Broken Social Scene" record and stick around while we go ahead and dissect an “Indie” guy.

The Indie hair. This open act of defiance is often outgrown, while still short enough to not be confused with the mullet. The fringe, length, and overall greasiness of the rebellious hairstyle suggests an attitude toward personal hygiene that is somewhat nonchalant. Each oily strand of hair has been perfectly placed in order to create a messy just-rolled-out-of-bed look. The problem: Women are judgmental. From the moment they lay eyes on you they will be mentally examining your appearance. No woman has ever run her hands through a Hobo’s hair. Do you know why? Because sweaty, oily hair is revolting. We love that you want to be au naturale and forgo the hair gel, but please don’t skip the shower.

The Indie V-Neck. This stylish comfortable t-shirt features a deeper plunged neck than a traditional V-Neck, and most often is worn with a fringed scarf (even during the summer). Chest hair peeking through the V-Neck is also common, as is a protruding clavicle. Generally these shirts fit snugly, but sometimes even an extra small is just too loose. You can purchase this Indie closet staple at any American Apparel store for a mere $66. (Indie guyz with a smaller budget may opt for an unwashed vintage 1978 Boston Marathon T-shirt from Deseret Industries.) The problem: When the plunging neckline of your shirt rivals J.Lo’s dress at the Oscars in 2000, it is too low. Chest hair only serves to create a comparison between you and our middle-aged, Italian second cousin. Not to mention, a clavicle that sticks out farther than Mary-Kate’s is unacceptable. Eat something. The simplistic look that you’re attempting can be hot, just raise the neckline and ditch the scarf.

The Indie Pants. The word tight would be a severe understatement. If an Indie guy can fit two fingers in between the waistband of his pants and his stomach, he drops a size. Lucky for him, he looks like a holocaust victim so he doesn’t have to worry about any junk in the trunk. These pants come in a variety of colors, but white is the most popular as of late. The problem: If, while riding your oh-so-retro 1970s beach cruiser, we become confused as to your gender we might accidentally greet you with a, “Hey girl, what’s up?” If you are wearing a girl scarf, riding a girl bike, and wearing size 4 girl pants better than any girl ever could, we will think you are a girl. And Mormon girls, don’t date other Mormon girls.

The Indie Shoes. You know those white lace-up Vans that look authentic, but are about as vintage as that Beatles t-shirt you bought from Nordstrom? That’s what Indie guyz wear. After they’ve thrown them in the dirt and washed them a few times of course. Problem: We know they’re not vintage. Don’t pretend they were your Dad’s back in the 70s. No one keeps shoes for thirty years so that they can pass them on to their kids. Plus, we know that you don’t participate in any physical activity whatsoever, so don’t smudge dirt on them, and pretend that they have holes because they are worn out. We know you bought them last week. Mix it up, everyone wears Vans.

You may still be wondering, “What’s so wrong with this ‘Indie’ guy?” Do remember when you were in middle school and you would call anyone that generally wore GAP, but decided to switch it up and wear a pair of Dickies, a poser? Well, those were the glory days when you could smell a fake from a mile away. That’s what an “Indie” guy is. A poser. Every part of his look is calculated to make you think that he’s original, and that he doesn’t care. A girl may think, “Oh what a breath of fresh air this ‘Indie’ guy is!” Don’t be fooled! He’s just jumped onto the bandwagon and, is about as real as that Gucci handbag she bought on Canal Street. Conversation skills are what makes a guy different. Personality is what makes someone unique. The wrong sized clothes and unkempt hair make you a dateless Hobo.


Suggestion #1: Top 12 No No's in Conversation

Who needs a top 10 when I got a top 12? Here are a few suggestions of what not to say to a girl that you are starting a relationship with. As always, do as you wish.

12. "So I bought you dinner, I guess you owe me that kiss."
If you wanted a paid escort, you should have gone to Vegas. Buying a girl soup and salad at Olive Garden doesn't entitle you to anything. Plus, if you're going to kiss a girl, don't ask her in a joking way. Such an awkward icebreaker will surely ruin the moment.

11. "How would you feel about going on a date with me?"
Is this a survey or an invitation? Be up front, because a girl may be more honest when you ask about her feelings, whereas a simple "Would you like to go on a date with me," may yield more positive results if she's feeling charitable.

10. "How many guys have you kissed?"
Unnecessary question. If its more than 10, she's going to lie anyway.

9. "Promise, you're not mad?"
If you have to ask this question, you have done something wrong, and she is mad. At this point, you should probably just apologize profusely, give her some chocolates, and back away slowly. Any sudden movements might incur the wrath that is comparable to a mother bear protecting her cubs.

8. "Whatever you want is fine with me."
When a girl hears this, what she's really hearing is, "I don't really care at all, this is stupid." Just be honest about what you want or what you want to do so that she doesn't feel like you don't want to be there.

7. “What did you do to your hair?”
This roughly translates to, "Holy crap, what on earth is going on with her head." If her hair doesn't look all that great, either lie or don't mention it at all.

6. "Oh, man, look how much this bill is!"
This is a sure way to make a girl feel incredibly uncomfortable. It makes a girl feel guilty for eating a dinner that you invited her to in the first place! Any reference at all to the bill is incredibly bad taste. Before going on a date, plan it out so that you know what the price range will be; you don't want to be caught off guard and say something stupid when you realize it is far more expensive than you expected it to be!

5. "So, I guess it's that time of the month, huh."
This topic is off limits to all men. Don't bring hormones into an argument. Plus, if you are wrong, the girl will be doubly offended. This is a lose-lose situation.

4. "Would you relax? My ex never flipped out like this."
Whoa, stop right there. There are two unmentionables in this statement: relax and ex. Either of those alone would bring a reaction worse than the previously mentioned "mother bear wrath," but together? Stone cold silence. Never compare a girl to your ex. You are going to need more than chocolate to fix this one, my friends.

3. "You're being emotional."
Females are emotional creatures, and if you can't accept that, plan on spending the rest of your life alone. And if you bring it up all the time, plan on spending the rest of your life in hiding. Let girls be emotional when they need to be and don't criticize them about it. When you say that a girl is being emotional, you are implying that you are not being emotional, and therefore that you don't care. All of these things will turn a girl against you, and quickly.

2. "Do you really think you should be eating that?"
Really? No, really? You've got to be dumber than a rock if you bring up a girl's weight or eating habits in an underhanded question like that. It's people like you that foster anorexia and bulimia all over the world; if you asked me that question, I would bulimia all over you.

1. Nothing at all.
Use your grown-up words. Show that you care. And if you don't care, pretend that you care. Saying nothing is a bad move in any situation, and will result in dire consequences.


Mistake #2: The Mustache

This is a mistake that plagues men all over the world, but there is in fact a concentrated amount of offenders living in Provo. In Provo, beards are basically outlawed. To have a scruffy chin is an abomination. To walk into the testing center with a 5 o'clock shadow would only result in being shamefully turned away with nothing but a disapproving shake of the head. When a guy shows up at church looking as though he has spent the last several days in the mountains, girls avert their eyes so they are not thought to be fraternizing with such a rebellious soul. But do you know what else causes girls to avert their eyes? The only BYU-approved form of facial hair: the mustache.

Why men choose to grow this prickly caterpillar above their upper lip is unknown. Some claim it is to pay homage to the great men throughout history who have had the mustache splashed across their lower face, historical figures such as Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, Charlie Chaplain, Teddy Roosevelt, Burt Reynolds, and Ron Burgundy. Others say it is simply a way of standing apart from the rest of the crowd and getting noticed. When someone says, the tall RM, the one with the mustache, everyone else says, "Oh yeah, that guy." (While this is true, remember the tone in which "Oh yeah, that guy," is said.) Another potential reason for sporting such offensive facial hair is that it provides a disguise. In the event of an emergency, one quick shave and the Clark Kent effect leaves a completely unrecognizable man. The last reason given for "the mustache" is simply because it is "manly," and it is allowed.

Just because it is allowed does not mean that it is okay. Growing a mustache will only increase your resemblance to Adolf Hitler, Uncle Rico, and Yosemite Sam. In recent months, it has been a common misconception among Provo Indie kidz that looking as though you have just time-traveled from the mustache-loving 1970's is the hip way to be. This unfortunate fallacy has left countless young men with a furry upper lip and a dateless friday night.

Do not be fooled by Brad Pitt. I know that he has a mustache right now. But there is a slight difference between Brad Pitt and the males populating Happy Valley. He's Brad Pitt; he is rich, famous, talented, and with one of the most (supposedly) beautiful women in the world. And even the small strip of hair above his lip has been criticized and ridiculed.

Men, avoid the mustache--SHAVE!

We Know You Hate The "Z"

Throughout the lives of Americans, many adolescents go through the "z" phase. Or should I say, the "z" phaze. In this phaze, a "z" replaces any and all "s" letters, and sometimes is added to words that have no "s" at all. Though most offenders go through this phaze in grades 6-9, some never grow out of it. Did I grow out of it? I don't really know, but that isn't really the issue here because I was in fact forced to use a "z" in the name of this blog. There were some sweet spirits that attempted to make a blog such as this, and therefore, the name "whymormonguysstaysingle.blogspot.com" was unavailable. Though disappointing, I decided that using a single "z" might be the only possible solution to the problem I was facing. Picking another name completely was out of the question, and time was running out as I looked at the little letters beckoning me to pick a blog address.

I did the best I could; pleaze don't judge me.


Mistake #1: Re-living the Mish

Missions are great things; so are missionaries. But unfortunately, missions end after 2 years. Although it is important for males to utilize the social status of being a returned missionary and increase their future spouse potential (FSP), there are three common mistakes made when RM's re-live the glory days. These errors can be detrimental to your FSP by boring and scaring away females. By avoiding these blunders, you can more easily escape the stereotype of "weird RM," thereby avoiding the "creeper list." (All girls have one.)

First mistake, filling date conversations with nothing but, "Back on the mish*..." Don't get us wrong, we love to hear about your mission and we are so impressed that you decided to serve the Lord for two years, but we can only say, "Wow, that is so interesting," so many times. We know it was the best two years of your life--we watched the movie! But we would like to feel that that you are happy to be here with us at Applebees, and not daydreaming of eating rice on the floor in some rural Japanese village. There is more to life than the good memories you made with your "comp." If you love him so much, take him to dinner!

Second mistake, confusing foreign customs with American customs. In the various countries around the world, there are indeed other customs; most of us have taken Anthropology 101. But it's not always polite or proper to bring those customs back to the U.S. as habits. For example, gaucho suit pants are only acceptable in such places as the Philippines (as is wearing flip flops to church). Burping after meals is commonly accepted in Tonga, and not at our dinner table (and a little chuckle and explanation of how it's polite to burp after a meal where you served your mission does not make it okay, either.) Taking off your shoes while indoors may be respectful in some parts of the world, but when you are in the middle of Book of Mormon class, it does not show respect to anyone around you to kick off your Rockports; it just smells and makes people feel uncomfortable.

And third mistake, thinking it is awesome to write, speak, and bear your testimony in a foreign language months and months after you have returned from your mission. It is incredibly impressive that you are bilingual, it's more than I can say for myself. But we do not understand you. We don't. We like to hear the crazy sounds coming out of your mouth for a while, but there comes a point when we would like to get something out of the precious time spent listening to you speak. So don't continue to pray in Tagalog or whisper sweet nothings to us in Albanian during sacrament meeting over and over.

So, try and avoid these faux pas at all costs if you want a date this Friday night. Or go ahead and use them freely as a Get Out of a Relationship Free card.

*It is NOT okay to shorten mission to mish; it sounds like you are saying "miss" with a speech impediment.